Have you learned the lessons only of those who admired you and were tender with you and stood aside for you? Have you not learned great lessons from those who braced themselves against you and disputed passage with you?
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Y'know you can't please all the people all the time... and last night all...
Every time I go and shave I assume there's someone else on the planet...
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning...
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting...
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's...
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of...
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good and make a cart.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get I'll...
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans because maybe...
I had a stick of CareFree gum but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I...
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
I wear a necklace cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're...
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for...
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool Opotamus?
I know a lot about cars man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you...
I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and...
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one. So I got a...
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the...
