It's funny: I'm a lifelong musician but because I principally play the piano it's been a solitary thing.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor I'm just gonna tell her 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you they can't really fire you and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'

I'm not funny. People assume that because my books are funny I'll be funny in real life. It's the inevitable disappointment of meeting me.

The trick is always to write in pairs because if at least two people find it funny you've immediately halved the odds of it not being funny.

'Come out' is so funny to me because I've never been in.

And I like to keep whatever is mine remaining that way. It's a funny little game to play and it's a slippery slope. I always say to myself I'm never going to give anything away because there's never any point or benefit for me.

I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies.

Don't remember me as too nice or beautiful or funny because then you'll be disappointed.

Very often I don't make it through moments of recording because it is genuinely funny and absolutely ridiculous that a 60-year-old grown man is making these noises.

It's only I have seen enough of it and the funny thing is now I know that I'm skinny because I know there are even smaller clothes in the store. I think I'm big when I was big I never thought about it.

I was so afraid to even read a paper in front of my classmates. It is very funny because at that point my teachers would never have believed that I could speak in front of an audience of over 2 000 people.

One time I went into a restroom and a girl followed me in. I signed an autograph for her in the sink. It was pretty funny because she was in a guy's restroom and she wasn't embarrassed at all.

I wear black skinny-fit jeans - I can't get away from them. It's funny because I wore baggy jeans for ages then one day my friend convinced me to try on a skinny pair and I thought they were great.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh they laugh right away.

Comediennes are the lucky ones because if you're funny you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny.

'Dirty Rotten Scoundrels' is a good one because it not only turned out I think to be a really funny movie but it was also a delight to shoot. We were in the South of France working with Glenne Headly and Michael Caine and Frank Oz the director - who were just fun.

I thought 'Borat' was a breakthrough comedy because it was really funny. It wasn't some studio-produced script with 14 writers.

I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

The day I made that statement about the inventing the internet I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.