I love you, even if there isn’t any me, or any love, or even any life. I love you.

I’ve always thought Marilyn Monroe looked fabulous, but I’d kill myself if I was that fat…I went to see her clothes in the exhibition, and I wanted to take a tape measure and measure what her hips were. She was very big.

You know what the secret to weight loss is? Don’t eat much.

Harshness to me is giving somebody false hopes and not following through. That’s harsh. Telling some guy or some girl who’ve got zero talent that they have zero talent actually is a kindness.

What I am doing is kind by telling people who are useless, Do something that you’re good at.

When someone asks, Does success make you into a monster?’ I always say, No, it enables you to be a monster.

I don’t mind competition at all. I mean, the record business is the most competitive business in the world, probably. So, I’m used to that. In a weird way, it kind of makes you work harder.

I’ve never been cool and I don’t care, I hate all that. With me, what you see is what you get.

I am quite miserable because I’m never satisfied with what I’ve got. You’re always looking for that next high, and that is what I would define as happiness.

You don’t go into anything contemplating failure, because if you did, you wouldn’t make it.

Yes you have personality, but dogs have personality. The audition, if I’m being honest with you, was horrible.

It’s just rubbish.

No, we’re not going to give you any love. It was a terrible audition.

My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don’t.

The reality is, there’s not a single person on planet earth who would ever pay to hear you sing.

And it wasn’t even good enough for a hotel lobby.

Can I stop this? Because I’m bored out of my mind.

You couldn’t win this competition if you were the only one in it… in a million years.

I couldn’t hear anymore.

You better hope there’s a lot of girls watching this with the volume turned down.

I’m not being rude, but you were that bad honestly. I mean my pen has got more charisma.

You’ve just invented a new form of torture.

Last year, I described someone as being the worst singer in America. I think you’re possibly the worst singer in the world.

There is as much chance of you being a pop star or a rock star as me flying to the moon tomorrow morning for breakfast. It’s never going to happen.