I get a little behind during Lent but it comes out even at Christmas.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for...
Flattery is like cologne water to be smelt not swallowed.
If God wanted us to fly He would have given us tickets.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce....
Never floss with a stranger.
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he...
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
As I get older I just prefer to knit.
If at first you don't succeed find out if the loser gets anything.
If you have a secret people will sit a little bit closer.
Polite conversation is rarely either.
The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their...
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Well if I called the wrong number why did you answer the phone?
The IRS! They're like the Mafia they can take anything they want!
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people and make sure...
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the...
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle then you're fat!
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I...
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Brought up to respect the conventions love had to end in marriage. I'm...
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
If my films make one more person miserable I'll feel I have done my job.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Smoking kills. If you're killed you've lost a very important part of your...
Never fight an inanimate object.
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
If at first you don't succeed blame your parents.
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those...
Boy those French: they have a different word for everything!
