There are no shortcuts in life - only those we imagine.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
In comic strips the person on the left always speaks first.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I never said most of the things I said.
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Money won't buy happiness but it will pay the salaries of a large research...
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Roses are red violets are blue I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William...
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
I'm sorry if you were right I'd agree with you.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and...
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said Thyroid problem?
One picture is worth 1 000 denials.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
Life is hard. After all it kills you.
A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow...
Before I refuse to take your questions I have an opening statement.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
If two wrongs don't make a right try three.
I intend to live forever. So far so good.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
